Dr. Ray Guarendi said that one question looms large in the minds of many people he has encountered in recent months: What is the best way to make people around me act differently?

The Catholic clinical psychologist, author and professional speaker affirmed that “we can’t make someone else different.” However, by investing effort into improving ourselves, he said, there are ripple effects that can positively influence family members, friends, colleagues or total strangers.

Host of The Doctor Is In on EWTN Radio, his new book How To Get Along with Almost Everybody marries practical strategies and personal stories to help neutralize contentious interpersonal dynamics.

Guarendi, a father of 10, conveys how to discover both your relational motives and those of others, provides tips on healthily offering and receiving criticism, sheds light on becoming a real listener, advises how and when to speak up and outlines conversational killers to avoid. 

Projecting a bragging tone is one posture to avoid when talking with someone, said Guarendi. Excessive complaining is another.

“The problem is you don’t know who you are complaining to,” said Guarendi. “I had a Mom whose little daughter died at age nine of leukemia. She never realized how hard other people’s complaining would hit her when they talked about their bad day at work or worse — they talk about their frustration with their child.”

Navigating discussions during these politically charged and divisive times is indeed difficult for many. A seemingly friendly exchange can turn combative in nearly a blink of an eye with one perceived ill comment.

Desiring for discourse that transcends the realm of talking about “only the mini print that would match my bathroom counter,” Guarendi advises that when speaking with someone who disagrees with you on politics, religion, parenting or another essential issue, don’t automatically dispute.

“You get inside their head,” said Guarendi. “They think a certain way, okay. You ask about that way. How did they come to think that way? Why do they think that way? What do they base it upon? What's the evidence? You don’t necessarily argue.

“It is said that people want to be understood more than agreed with. I think there's a lot of truth to that.”

The overarching aim of Guarendi’s book is to help people avoid being ruled by reactive emotions by becoming more easygoing and forgiving. In other words, the resident of North Canton, Ohio, wants people to be true practitioners of the Golden Rule that encourages us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Guarendi suggests many individuals — Christians among them — have distorted the Golden Rule.

“Well, there is a twist that we operate in the Golden Rule that frustrates us and (leads) us to get along more poorly with others: 'If I treat you right I expect you to treat me right.' That is a perversion of the Golden Rule, but we live by it and it frustrates us. ‘I don’t do that to you. I don’t deserve that. Why can’t you act better towards me?’

“The Christian, especially, does not gauge his or her behaviour on how someone reciprocates — you don’t do that. ‘I apologized to you so I expect you to apologize to me.’ As a Christian, you are obligated to apologize, but they may not be obligated at all. They may view it as something they do not need to do.”

It is Guarendi’s firm conviction that “Christians should be the hardest people to offend.” The reason, he said, is that the model of this faith is a shepherd who never sinned against anybody and He was crucified nevertheless.

“Lawyers have said that anybody can sue anyone for anything,” said Guarendi. “Well, there's a social counterpart to that: Anybody can say anything about anybody at any time for any reason. The only concern we should have is if it’s true. Short of that, we may not like what they said, it may make us feel bad, but we don’t have to be offended by it as offence means I’m taking it personally.”

To learn more about How To Get Along with Almost Everybody, published by Sophia Institute Press, visit Dr. Ray Guarendi's website.