Chapman writes: “At the heart of humankind’s existence is the need to be intimate and to be loved by another.”
There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Most people have a primary and secondary language. A short quiz showed my love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. I need to be loved out loud. Words fill me up, convince me of my own potential and ground me in truths that in my fickleness I forget. With a gift, I think fondly of its giver. I especially appreciate a gift of self, a tangible action of love given when I most need it, like when my roommates make me breakfast or hold me when I cry.
Each love language has a corresponding lie. As our needs are intricately connected to our natural insecurities, uncertainty of love causes us to doubt our personal needs. When needing affirmation I worry I’m too needy, that I dig for compliments. Being aware of my language helps me quiet those lies. Knowing others’ language helps me quiet their insecurities too.
It’s not hard to figure out someone’s love language. Look at your sibling, friend or significant other. Do they love it when you wash the dishes? Their love language is probably an act of service. Are they hurt when you interrupt them or when you don’t listen well? Their love language is quality time. And sometimes you can see a person’s language in the way they show love. That friend who just can’t stop hugging everyone probably needs physical touch.
Love languages also show how people are hurt. Thriving on affirmation, harsh words hit me hard. Someone who needs quality time and isn’t getting it might instinctively pull away from people they rely on as a defense mechanism. Over time, neglecting a love language is detrimental to the relationships we lean on for support.
Chapman writes that learning these languages is necessary because “love is something you do for someone else.” To be effective, you need to speak their dialect. This, he said, “is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction — the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another.”
Blessed Mother Teresa said, “Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” So if we are consistent, unfamiliar love languages can become second nature, permeating our natural reactions. The activity of learning another person’s needs is a practice in generosity, and generosity is ultimately the language of love.
(Brown, 23, is a fourth-year journalism student at the University of King’s College in Halifax.)